Learning To Love Again
by SantanaSnix
Summary: Santana has lost the love of her life. Will she ever be able to cope with that and then in the midst of things be able to love another? Maybe with the help of Rachel and Kurt she will gain the confidence once again to feel like she is good enough for someone. Maybe in fact she will be able to learn to love again. Mentions of Brittana and Bram. I don't own Glee
1. Chapter 1 Gone

Chapter One: Gone

She's gone…as in took the Lima express out of this loser town gone…

I can't breathe…

My chest tightens at the mere thought of her. I'm trying to go over everything in my head. How did this happen? How did two people who were meant for each other end up not staying together? I mean I obviously can figure that out when it comes to a relationship where someone is a cheater. But that is just not the case here. It was all me…I caused all of this.

I was the one that broke it off. I was in a whole other state. We needed each other close, and I just wasn't. I couldn't be to her what I thought she deserved. It hurt to let her go, but it hurt worse to not be by her side every single day. The skyping, the phone calls and the late night texts just weren't enough. She was worth more to me than that.

I let her go to show her just how much. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I said my goodbyes to the beautiful blonde that held my heart in the palm of her hands. I sang her our favorite song one last time in the confines of the choir room where we fell in love. Then I linked our pinkies one last time, kissed her cheek and walked away.

I left her crying. Face palmed in her hands. All I wanted to do was run back to her and take back everything that I had said…but I couldn't. I knew this was for our own good. I didn't turn back when I heard her call my name…I ran as fast as I could. I needed to get away from the sound of my own heart breaking.

I hopped the next plane out of Lima and set out on a quest. A quest to find myself. I didn't go back to Kentucky like I was supposed to. Hell I hadn't been to school in over two months. I bought a one way ticket to New York. I landed safely and found myself in familiar company. I knocked loudly and among the vacant stares of my Lady friend and the beaming smile of a particular Broadway Diva I had found my new home. A home among the bossiness and utterly annoying antics that is GayBerry.

Go figure right.

Rachel and Kurt are a lot different than they were in high school. Thank God. New York really suits them, especially Rachel. She doesn't really talk in paragraphs much anymore unless she is really excited about something. Which is anytime an M&M's commercial comes on, a new Broadway play opens, or when a rerun of Facts of Life featuring Blair and Jo comes on the TV. She dresses a lot different too. No more argyle jumpers and animal sweaters. She is now like an amped up sexy hot version of the Japanese business man with the specific fetish. I won't lie, she is completely easy on my eyes.

Rachel has been great since I got here. She has really been like my own little live in therapist. She's helping me realize that there is more to me than what everyone else sees. I help her remember how I could still ends her if she tells anyone that yes Santana Lopez is not always so badass. She tells me it's our secret, and then always smiles that signature mega-watt smile at me.

I don't have the bite in my words that I used to. I am merely a toned down version of the straight up bitch that sauntered gracefully down the hallways of William McKinley High School. Sometimes I wish I could have that girl back. Then by default I would have my blonde back. I am now a version that suffers from heartbreak and loneliness every time I lay down at night. A version that cries herself to sleep in the arms of the girlfriend pillow that Kurt got me to try to help with the pain of not having someone by my side to hold when my eyes are too heavy to stay open.

A version that is broken.

I cried the day I found out that she moved on. She didn't even tell me. I had to read it online through her Facebook status.

_In a relationship with Sam Evans_

I had a panic attack. I felt like my heart had been literally ripped out. Of all people Rachel Berry was the one to comfort my broken ass. I cried for hours into her little midget body. It was almost like crying into a child. I never realized how small she was until she held me close to her. She let me soak down her shirt without any complaints. She surprised me this night. Instead of handing me my girlfriend pillow and walking off to her own room to sleep like she does on every other night after I finish with my break down, she stayed. She kissed my forehead gently and laid us both down. My tension started to fall away when warm arms wrapped around my still shaky body. I have never been the little spoon, but tonight it felt right.

It took a few weeks of Rachel's comfort and the fact that I just couldn't come to grips with the fact that the love of my life was able to move on so quickly, to finally feel somewhat human again. However, I wasn't so lucky, in the moving on department. Every day was full of thoughts about her. Thoughts about the way we used to be inseparable. I tried a couple of dates but I was unable to hold their interests with drabbles about my ex. I was a blubbering, hysterical mess. So unlike badass Santana.

The day I found out she got in to MIT, I broke down again. She didn't call and tell me her good news. I found out on one of her episodes of _Fondue For Two. _She forgot to cut the camera off after the episode and she was telling Sam all about it. That should have been me in her arms, not the trouty mouth baby sucker. I didn't turn away from the screen when they kissed and he told her how much he loved her. I didn't even pan away when he told her that he was going with her and they would build a wonderful life together. I did however throw my laptop to the ground and scream to the top of my lungs when she told him that he was her first love and nothing would ever tear them apart.

Just like that it was officially over.

Rachel came running when she heard my screams. She flung open the curtain to my makeshift bedroom and stopped. Her eyes scanned over my now shattered laptop and looked up at me and into my even more shattered self. She took in my appearance and without hesitation took me in her arms. She was watching the online episode as well. It is one of her guilty pleasures apparently. She was headed my way to check on me right before she heard the loud bang coming from my room.

My chest tightened again and I fell to the floor, cradling into myself. She gasped and quickly scooped me up. She is strong for such a tiny thing. She just held me, as we settled down into my mattress. She stroked my hair and told me that everything would be okay. I didn't say anything to Rachel that night, but I did look into the eyes of a familiar picture that still sits on my nightstand before Rachel's comfort willed me to sleep…

_Why Britt?_

_**Author Notes…**_

_One-Shot or Multichapter…I haven't really decided._

_**Please REVIEW…**_

_Thanks for all of the followers already, you are all great…overwhelming…Hope I can deliver…_


	2. Chapter 2 Maybe Today

Chapter Two: Maybe Today

Maybe today will be different from other days.

It's been two months since that dreaded episode of Fondue for Two. I'm getting better, or so I hope. I only send Brit maybe 4 texts a day now asking her how she is and if she still thinks of me. That's a big change from the almost 10 a day that I started with. So it is a least a step in the right direction. I always wait for her to reply.

They go unanswered.

Every single one.

I can't break myself out of this proverbial funk I'm in. I mean hell I am Santana Fucking Lopez and I should be able to get out there and find something that can break these chains that are tied around my heart. It really sucks you know. This whole feelings shit really sucks. That why I would never let myself fall for anyone, but when it came to Brit, I tripped into this blind abyss. I never had a prayer. I fell for her hard. I just wish I could have told my high school self what all of that would have led too. I would never have given my heart away.

Now I'm stuck. I'm being held down by these imaginary strings that are attached to my heart and that refuse to let me go. I guess I'm sort of lucky that I can even get myself out of bed these days…or actually I should rephrase that…Berry pulls me out of bed these days. She says that I am too beautiful and talented to waste my life in a soft comfy bed. I'm thinking she's got that all wrong. Because I am beautiful and talented I should keep my ass in my soft comfy bed…just saying.

I still mope a lot. Rachel doesn't let me get away with moping. She says that it makes me look like a sad kicked puppy, and she doesn't like that. She's always doing things to make me smile, or at least try. She likes to dance around the loft singing Pussycat Dolls, and Spice Girls. Neither one I might add are my guilty pleasures. However with the fact that Rachel knows the words to every song…I am pretty sure that she can't deny that they are hers. She gets what she wants from me every times she bursts out in song and dance though…she gets me to smile.

Rachel has been trying to get me out of the house. I haven't done that since my last disater of a date over a month ago, that left me in tears and calling for Rachel to pick me up because i couldnt get my mind off Brit...it really sucked.

Kurt and Rachel say i need to shake my tail feathers so to speak. I am all game for that with the exception of one minor detail, I want to go back to the past and shake them with Brittany.

Rachel and Kurt are going out tonight. It is Friday night. It is roomie date night as they call it. Kurt always goes with his new boy toy Adam, who really reminds me of a member of the band One Direction. He totally could pass as one, except for his short hair. He's a decent enough guy. He's good to my Lady Hummel, so I let it be. As if I really had a say in it.

Rachel usually goes with her douche bag NYADA plastic Ken doll. Which reminds me, I haven't see him around much lately. He is usually here 4 days a week. I know when he is here because my bed gets really cold, because Rachel is not in it.

I have become dependent on her warmth at night. I never thought I would need someone to be able to fall asleep. But I did…I do. Rachel never questions anything. She can tell what I need by the look on my face when it is time to go to bed. She only asks me one question after we turn everything off.

"Your bed or mine?"

Usually it's hers, because yeah her bed is huge and it's soft. For being so small, Rachel is pretty comfortable. She holds me just right and I fall asleep instantly when she starts her nightly ritual of singing me to sleep. Her voice is beautiful…much like a songbird. I never really realized just how much I loved her voice until she started to do this. I mean obviously her voice is what really carried us to Nationals and shit in Glee, but I was too much of a bitch back then to really see her voice for what it was worth. Fuck I was too shallow to see Rachel for all she was worth.

She is so nice to me now, even though I was such a bitch to her back then. She doesn't hesitate to wrap her arms around me when I break down. She doesn't even flinch or cower away from me when I start throwing shit around my room, because I am so frustrated at the fact that I will never have Brittany back. She doesn't leave me when I scream at her to go and to leave me the fuck alone…she just sits down on the floor and waits out the storm with me. When she sees that it has ended and I have thrown myself on my bed to cry, she throws her arms around me to hold me close to her and brings me back down to earth.

It's a strange feeling I get when I am wrapped up in Rachel. It's not love or anything like that…it's something different than I have ever felt. I can't really describe it as much more than want…or need. I want Rachel close to me when I break down, and I need Rachel close to me when I wake up in the morning. She doesn't know this, but on the days that Brody stays over, I don't sleep. I stay up in my bed anticipating the next time that I will be able to fall asleep, and that I won't wake up alone.

"Santana, get dressed." I am saved from my thoughts about my loneliness by Rachel bursting through my curtain. It's something that no longer bothers me, since she does it so often now.

"Why?" I actually whine…Santana Lopez does not whine…well who am I kidding, yes I do.

"Because, you are going to be my date tonight." She says with a smile as she rummages through my clothes and starts tossing different outfits on my bed.

"Y…y…your date?" Wow, that is not like me…I don't stutter, especially in the presence of Rachel Berry.

"That's right, my date. Now get up and get dressed." She is so persistent, she is actually trying to pull my lazy ass out of the bed. I go limp just to put up a fight.

"What about donkey face?" Her smile falls. I think I just opened a can a worms I shouldn't have. She sighs deeply and her gaze turns to mine.

"Brody and I are not together anymore. I told him that it could never work between us. We are just too different, and besides, I have my eye on someone else…" Her eyes trail away from mine and she clears her throat before continueing to speak.

"But never mind Brody, come on Santana, and get your ass up." She is still pulling. I decide to be nice and stand up, but I was a little too forceful and our bodies crashed together. The feeling of being melded against her front to front was…nice. Oh fuck what am I saying, this is my friend…my best friend it would seem. I quickly pull away and see a visible smirk in her lips…WTF…oh well conversation for another day.

"Why can't you find some other person to be your date tonight Rachel, I am perfectly unhappy staying in my nice big comfy bed all night, drinking whiskey and reminiscing about old happy times that I will never enjoy again." She gives me a small smile and then puts her arms around me. I place my chin on her shoulder and just listen to her talk.

"Because Santana, it is time for you to see what is out there waiting for you. You are smart, talented, witty, charming and completely stunning in beauty and I will not let you waste that. So come on." She squeezes me tighter and then places a kiss on my head and then leaves my room. I have to admit I am a little thrown back…Rachel Berry just called me stunning. What the fuck has she been drinking today…she must have started the party without me. I chuckle a bit at the thought and then look around at the pile of clothes on my bed.

I guess it is time to leave the confines of my room.

Maybe Rachel is right…maybe there is something or someone out there waiting for me…

_**Author Notes…**_

Hope you enjoyed the second Chapter…sorry it took so long to update…my nights have been pretty busy lately.

I will update soon.

Please _**REVIEW**_


	3. Chapter 3 Rachel Berry's Date

Chapter 3: Rachel Berry's Date

"Santana come on, we are waiting for you." I hear Rachel call out from the living room area of our loft.

"Rachel I really don't want to go." Partly a lie. I do want to go with Rachel, Adam and Kurt and have some fun for a change, but I am afraid. What I am afraid of, I don't know.

"Santana, normally I would not force someone to do something against their free will but in the case of you…my best friend, whom has only in recent years become my best fr…" I cut her off.

"Okay I'll go, just please stop talking." I adjust the bunched up area of my dress. It had wrinkled in the time that I was sitting on my bed trying to come up with a good reason not to act as Rachel's date for the night…I never came up with one. I fix my heels and step out of my room.

I look at Rachel, I am pretty sure she just gasped at the image of me that is displayed in front of her. She is not subtle at all. I am pretty sure she just looked me up and down. I am pretty sure Kurt did a double take as well. That is even more interesting than Rachel's eyes bulging out of her head right now.

"How do I look?" I simply state, because yeah I am a little insecure about my looks these days. I mean hell I was deemed the hottest girl in school and even that didn't secure me the heart of the love of my life.

"Santana you look beautiful." Rachel steps up and places her hands on my shoulders, and then pulls me in for a hug. "Thank you for coming with me." She whispers in my ear. Shit she just gave me some serious goose bumps.

We pull away when there is a loud knock on the loft door. Kurt pulls it open and is met with a big hug from his man Adam. After a small conversation we made our way out of the loft and to the taxi that Kurt had called for the four of us.

I have never been one to be nervous on a "date". Well with exception to mine and Brit's date to Breadstix when I held her hand for the first time in public. That was nerve racking as hell and we had a napkin hiding our entangled fingers. Man those long slender fingers and those strong hands. I shake my head to get the thoughts of the blonde out of my head…it's been months now. She doesn't love me anymore that is very clear. I have to get over her and at least attempt to move on.

Rachel senses my inner turmoil, or she is tired of the fidgeting that I am doing with my hands because before I know it, Rachel's hand is squeezing mine and she is placing it in her lap. I look at our hands together and then I look at her. She gives me a soft smile, and then turns to face forward again. I see Kurt and Adam take a sly look at our hands entangled and I swear they both sported a shit eating grin. Hey is something going on here that I don't know about…

I am thinking there might be some sneaky bastards in this taxi cab. Hmmm if something is going on Santana Lopez is going to get to the bottom of it.

It took us 20 minutes to get to our destination. A nice under 21 night club…since we are not of age just yet. I guess Berry is about to teach me the fun of a night on the town without the effects of alcohol. This will certainly be a first for me…but hey…I'm game. Besides, I have some Grey Goose, a little Patron and thanks to Puck another bottle of Jack Daniels gracing the insides of my underwear drawer at home. Even if this so called date with Berry isn't a party, it definitely will become one when I get back to the confines of my comfy bed.

"Are you okay Santana?" Rachel asks me with a concerned look. It would appear that while I was thinking about my gifts waiting for me at home, everyone else had already exited the cab and are now staring at me.

"Yeah Rachel, I'm fine. Sorry I just…" She holds her hand out to me.

"You don't have to say anything. I know this is hard for you, just know that I just want to be here for you, in whatever way you may need me." With that she smiles again and helps me out of the cab.

When I am fully out Adam and Kurt turn to walk towards the door arm and arm and Rachel and I stand side by side and start to go towards it as well. I decide to try something…I want her to feel special and to feel like she has someone in her corner as well. I move my arm to lock around hers. It's strange, this feeling that has recently started to come over me when we touch. Even something as simple as a little grazing of our skin against each other. I have never felt these little jolts of electricity that come over me when Rachel is around. I know that I am not afraid of it…I am just…yeah I really just don't know.

We have been here for an hour now. Rachel and I have been sitting at our table talking the whole time…or rather she has been talking and I have been adding in my snarky comments or just listening to her rant and rave over how much of a fake plastic son of a bitch that Brody was. Okay maybe those are my words. Then she went on to talk about Finn, Jesse St. Jackass and Puck and her escapades with the three of them. Yep I believe it is times for me to take the reins here, I can tell Rachel is starting to get really emotional as she recounts the episodes in her life that deal with lost loves.

"Rachel, do you want to dance?" Whoa that is a big smile. I didn't know she was capable of something more than the self-proclaimed Broadway smile. This one is different. It really lights up her whole face. Brings out her eyes, you know the whole bit. I have never seen a smile quite like the one that Rachel is portraying at this moment. It is gorgeous.

"I would love to Santana." She dries the remnants of the little tears that started to escape during our conversation and takes my offered hand. We walk out to the dance floor and meet up with Kurt and Adam who just smile at us and go back to dancing with each other.

"This is one of my favorite songs." Rachel tells me.

"I wouldn't have pegged you for a Pussycat Dolls type of girl." I smirk at her.

"I'm not, I just really like this song." She brings her body in closer to mine and I wrap my arms around her waist. She places hers carefully around my neck and we just look at each other.

"You look really nice tonight Rachel." There is that smile again. I am convinced that it is one of the prettiest smiles I have ever seen. I think I would do anything to see that every day.

"Thank you Santana." She moves to lay her head on my shoulder and I let her because for some reason this just feels right. I don't know why but right in this moment I want Rachel to be close to me…just like this.

She sighs when she is settled and then I hear her voice. She starts to sing softly to the song. It is a sad song and I can hear the emotion of it in her voice. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in myself and everything I have been going through I may have noticed the signs that Rachel Berry is broken as well. She has had her heart ripped out by not one but four guys, just in the time that I have known her and look, she has given up all of her hurt and anguish and whatever else is going on in that pretty head of hers to take care of me and make sure that I get up in the morning, and shower and even eat. I can't believe I didn't see it, I can't believe I let her down. I could have been helping her get through her heartbreak, but I didn't.

"I hate this part right here, I hate this part right here, I just can't take these tears, I hate this part right here." She still sings softly into my shoulder.

When the song ends I feel her grip around my neck tighten a bit and then I feels the tears hit my bare shoulder. I finally do what I should have done a long time ago. I tighten my arms around her waist and place a soft kiss on the top of her head.

"I am here for you too Rachel, in any way that you'll let me." She removes her head from my shoulder and looks up with that smile again.

In that moment I realize that maybe there really is life beyond the blonde that I am slowly starting to get over. Maybe there is a certain brunette that may be able to show me how to start over again.

I think that I am ready to try.

_**Author Notes…**_

So sorry it took so long for an update…I have been pretty busy lately.

The next chapter to this story will be posted tomorrow…

Any Suggestions for this story?

_**Please REVIEW**_


	4. Chapter 4 Finn

_**Chapter 4: Gone **_

"He's gone."

That's all I could understand before I felt her tiny shaking body collapse against me. Her hands fisting my shirt so hard I thought she was going to shred it. We fell to the floor clinging together, trying to find some sort of comfort any way that we could.

"Rachel, what do you mean? Who's gone?"

She looked up at me through her tears. I have never seen her so distraught or so…broken.

"It's Finn…he's…he's…gone."

It hit me like a ton of bricks. She is not just talking about him being gone as in taking a teaching job in another city gone…she means he's…gone. Like took a one way flight to Heaven gone.

"Oh God!" That is all I could get out before my own tears started to flow rapidly out of my eyes. I can't believe this. I can't even gain enough composure to ask what happened. This can't be real. How could he be gone? I mean yes we had our fair share of drama but if I really think about it, he was one of my best friends. He supported me after the big outing ordeal. He stood by me and supported me. He even rallied the Glee club together for me.

My own body has taken to violent shakes and shivers as Rachel and I hold on to each other as hard as we can trying to find some sort of steadiness within the confines of each other. I can't begin to even fathom how she feels or what she is going through right now. I mean yes her and Finn were not together at the time and they kind of had their ins and outs but the fact of the matter was, Finn was Rachel's first love, maybe even her only love up to this point. I mean hell they were going to get married once. Things like that just don't go away.

It wasn't until after her and Brody broke up that she stopped talking about how her and Finn were meant to be together and how they were supposed to live happily ever after in New York. Now whether Rachel was still counting on that dream or not…it will never have the option of happening.

I am so lost right now. I don't know what to do for her. I mean I should be able to be strong for her like she was for me when I was going through all of that shit with Brit. I lost my first love too, and Rachel was so strong and helped me through every aspect of that through open arms. This is so different. I can still talk to Brittany and see her face. Rachel will never again get that chance with Finn. She will never again have the chance to rekindle the lost love her and Finn had.

I lost a friend…Rachel lost part of her life.

Rachel and I stayed tangled in each other for what seemed like days. In all actuality it was only an hour or so. Kurt having been the one that called Rachel from NYADA, busted through the door in tears running towards us to join our pile of shakes and uncontrollable sobs.

It was another couple of hours before our reckless sobs turned into whimpers of sadness, and another hour before we broke free of each other for a bit of air. We sat in somewhat of a circle, much like a sharing circle where you speak about feelings or show off your favorite toy to everyone. We sat together, with Rachel pushed up to my right side and me with my arm snaked around her waist. Kurt sat in front of us, his bloodshot eyes piercing through my own brown orbs.

We sat in silence for a long moment until the softest voice broke it all.

"Why him Santana?"

The simplest of questions it would seem. A question that carried an answer that I just didn't know. I don't know why it was time for Finn to leave us. I don't know enough information or any information for that matter of what happened to him. I need to know that before I start to even try to figure out how to make things better for Rachel.

I turn to Kurt, the only one at this point that might have the answers.

"What happened Kurt?"

His eyes have yet to turn away from me. His gaze is locked on, but it's soft and incredibly sad, almost as if he is searching for comfort in me.

"Carol called this morning and said that he was driving down a curvy road in Columbus really early this morning and he fell asleep at the wheel. He hit a cement barrier head on and died instantly." Rachel's trying to get in closer to me. I finally just hoist her on my lap and wrap both arms around her tightly. I try to maintain my composure as she lays her head on my chest and lets the tears fall again.

"Was there any kind of drugs or alcohol involved?" Rachel peaks up from my chest and looks over at Kurt. She is just as curious to hear this answer as myself.

"They don't believe so Santana, but they will run all of the proper tests to make sure."

I give Kurt a small nod.

"D…D…does everyone al…already k…k…know?" Rachel finally breaks her silence again. She barely sits up and looks over at Kurt again.

"Yes Rachel, Carol, my dad and I called everyone after I got the chance to call you first. I tried to call you Santana after I talked to Rachel but I couldn't get through."

Just then I remember that I had put my phone on silence when I went to take a nap this afternoon. I feel like shit now. The one time I don't want to hear it go off, I actually needed to.

The rest of the night was spent together, just talking about Finn and our favorite memories and not so favorite memories. We received calls from all of our friends and Kurt and I fielded questions as best we could. Rachel chose to only speak with Quinn being that they had become such best friends over the last couple of years. I could hear the breaking in Quinn's voice as well as Rachel's as they spoke to one another.

The hardest person for me to talk to was Brittany. I should have been able to put everything aside for Finn. This was about him and the information that we needed everyone to know. The conversation on the phone with her quickly shifted.

"I left Sam." This should be good news right. The person that I had been pining for, for years was finally free. Tragedy aside I should be shouting from the rooftops. I said nothing.

"I miss you Santana, and hearing all of this about Finn and thinking about how him and Rachel will never get their happily ever after made me think of you and how much I love you and how you will always be my first true love. I want to try again, I want to be with you." She's saying the words. The very words I have been waiting to hear for months now since she left me. They would have meant so much back then but now…I am so confused. I do the only thing I know how to do.

"Finn's funeral is on Saturday at 11am."

Then I hang up.

_**Author Notes:**_

I hope you enjoyed this Chapter.

Next Chapter they will say goodbye to Finn and Santana and Brittany will come face to face again.

_**Please REVIEW**_


	5. Chapter 5 Lima

Finn's funeral was today. It was one of the most beautiful and special things I have ever been a part of. She did such a great job getting everyone together and finishing off all of the details to make today perfect for him and for everyone else.

She was so strong. Stronger than any of the rest of us.

I was supposed to talk.

I was supposed to stand up there and say a few nice things about our beloved giant friend…but I choked. Fear overtook me and I dropped to my knees.

Of all people, she was there to pick me up…Rachel, the one person that deserved for all of us to be strong for her. She is the bravest person I know wrapped up in this pint sized body. She carried us through today with words about Finn and friendship and sticking together. She even sang. It was the most beautiful song. I'm sure Finn was proud of her today. I know that I was.

We are heading to the Hudson-Hummel house for a dinner. I have been able to avoid Brittany thus far, except for the occasional glance when we all showed up for Finn's funeral service. I even somehow avoided the hug that she reached out to give me. I almost hugged her but I heard Rachel behind me. She finally broke down. I chose to hold her and tell her that everything would be okay.

I don't know that I can be strong around Brittany. I think I might cave and that could only end with bad results. I am finally over the blonde. It took some time and a lot of crying mixed in with some denial but I finally reached that point. I mean I probably could love her again in another moment or when the time is right but I don't feel things for her anymore. Not like love or anything close to what I use to.

Rachel and I walk in together. Everyone is starring at us. Rachel is smiling and I am just admiring the poise and bravery she has shown today not only to everyone else but to me as well. I never realized how special and different Rachel really was from all of us until today. I wish that I had even half of the courage that she has shown in the wake of a tragedy such as this.

Rachel unhooks our arms and turns to me.

"I'm going to talk to Finn's mom for a minute, will you be okay?"

That's Rachel, always worried about everyone else before herself. I nod my head and pull her in for a hug and without even thinking I give her a peck on the cheek. It wasn't odd or uncomfortable. It just felt right. She left me with a small smile and I caught her place her hand over her cheek and hold it there as she walked away.

Hmmm, I wonder what that was about.

"Hi Santana." Oh no, okay you have got to breathe Santana.

"Hi Brittany." My eyes meet hers. They are sad obviously from crying about the loss of Finn. But I think there is also something else in there. Something beyond the mourning of our loss friend. I don't know what it is and I am not sure that I want to.

"How have you been?" Her head drops almost as if she is afraid to know my answer. I won't lie, I will tell the truth.

"I've been really good. I just started dance classes at NYADA and between that and Rachel dragging me out on the town to pose as her date I have been keeping pretty busy." She looks up again. There is that sadness again, the one that I can't explain.

I decide to be nice and continue this conversation instead of just starring in awkward silence.

"How have you been?" She gives me a shrug and then drops her head again.

"I miss you." She says. "I made a mistake Santana."

"Don't." I tell her. "This is not the place." I put my hand up to stop her. I look around the room and catch Quinn's eyes. She gives me a sad nod, almost as if to tell me to stay strong. I scan the room more and catch Rachel's, I can't read her, but I know that she supports me.

"Let's go outside." Brittany says reaching out for my hand. I don't grab for it. Instead I walk past her and head out of the slider door to the backyard.

"You have 5 minutes and then I need to go and check on Rachel." I tell her in the nicest voice I can muster up right now.

"Look Santana, Sam was a mistake. I should have fought more for us and I didn't. I mean I was ready for you…no for us to come out and be this new great kind of power couple in High School and you weren't ready. I tried to push you and I never should have done that. So when you left I started hanging out with different people including Sam and I don't know we clicked. Then when you came home and we broke up he was there for me." I let her finish and watch as she starts to cry. I know I should take her in my arms and hold her, but I can't.

"I thought we would make it you know…you and me. I loved you. I can't stand here like none of this is my fault because the fact of the matter is, I am to blame as well. I was so afraid to come out that I hid my feelings for you. I wasn't ready for the looks and the talks and all of the other repercussions that may have come with being the only openly lesbian couple in High School. I just couldn't deal with it…So I didn't…well not until Finn outted me. But then I left Lima, and you and even then I still thought we would make it. I thought we would continue to be okay from a distance. I missed you so much. I thought the weekend visits would be enough to keep us happy but the fact of the matter is, it wasn't. I had to let you go because I wanted you to be happy. Then the news of you and Sam broke and I lost it. I mean why Sam, out of everyone else you could have been with?" I look at her for the answer.

"I don't Santana. I loved him, I mean really loved him. But something about us being together didn't feel right. He wasn't you. I wanted you, I mean I still want you. Wait did you say you loved me?"

"Brittany I still have love for you, more than you will ever know, and I probably always will, but I am not in love with you anymore. It took everything in me to let you go and even more out of me to get over you, but I finally did, with the help of Rachel quirky ways and those of Kurt's as well. I am finally in a place where I am ready to start over. I am in a place where I know that there is someone out there that is not afraid to put up with my moody ass in the morning or my drunk sorry sassy ass at night. I am happy right now and that is all I can ask for."

"Really, you're happy…being Kurt and Berry's roommate? You're happy without me?" Her tears start to flow freely now.

"Yes Brittany, I am happy and it took me being their roommate to figure out what that really meant. Yeah maybe it's not ideal how I ended up there with the two of them but no great situation really starts that way." I smile just thinking about the fun we have.

"Wait a minute, I know that look…" She looks at me intently, and then gasps. "You are falling for Berry." She shakes her head and her tears fall faster. She puts her hand out to grab for mine but I shake my head and step back.

"Actually her name is Rachel." With that I turn around and leave her in the backyard as I walk back in the house in search of my brunette friend.

Author Notes:

Hello everyone. I know that it has seemed that I have fallen off of the face of the Earth…well actually I did there for a bit, but I am back and more focused than ever. I have been through a rough couple of months and still dealing with a few issues but I am also ready to start writing for you all again.

Thanks to those of you that send me the awesome emails about my work and wanting to hear more, it means a lot and your support is much appreciated.

Thank you all for continuing to read and baring with me. I appreciate all of you and hope to continue putting out chapters and new stories that you will all find worth reading.

Please submit any suggestions you have for this story either through my PM inbox or as a review.

Your reviews and follows mean a lot, thanks for everything. I will be posting chapters more often as I have found that writing is a great stress reliever.

I am currently working on a couple of new stories if anyone is interested in reading the first couple paragraphs of them…

_**PLEASE REVIEW**_


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